


Love is the beating of your heart

by buttheyrebrothers



Series: What is love? [4]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Song Lyrics, oblivious boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 02:43:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3919924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttheyrebrothers/pseuds/buttheyrebrothers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a humiliating experience Jensen has lost his ability to believe in love and love songs. That is until someone special enters his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love is the beating of your heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is for my dear Nina (wincestismyclarity) who said Love is when all the love songs make sense <3
> 
> I hope she likes what I did with this prompt :)
> 
> Shout out to thefreakfox, my bestest beta (who would kick my ass for this wording).

Jensen had learned to play the guitar when he was barely a teenager. His grandpa as well as his father knew how to play and did it fairly often; sometimes at family gatherings, but more often in the quiet hours of the night. Jensen often accompanied them when he couldn’t sleep, sitting at their feet when they plucked some tunes; mostly random notes, sometimes old country songs or even one or two love songs. He cherished this hours when he was a little boy. He never felt closer to them as during these nights, when they had shared something so profoundly like the soft whispering of music only played for the sake of its beauty. Not to impress someone, or to deliver some kind of message. The Ackles men played the guitar because they loved it, simple as that. And Jensen did, too.

That didn’t mean he had wanted to learn it out of that same reason, even if love surely was involved. Just another kind. It was that kind of love most of us know from when we were young and still innocent enough to believe that the person we fell for was The One, capital letters. The person we simply couldn’t live without and that there was not one thing too stupid or reckless one could do to win their heart. And if music was the thing he shared with his father, then schmaltzy movies were his mother’s and his to share. So when in one of these the guy had gotten the girl by serenading her, Jensen had known that that was what he would do, too, to win Nina Meyer’s heart.

He had begged his dad for days to teach him how to play, until his big green eyes convinced him with their pleading expression. All in all, it had been a very frustrating experience for him. When his father or his grandfather played it always looked so easy, like their hands just knew what to do. His, on the other hand, were clumsy and uncoordinated, never at the right place at the right time. But the sweet – and two years older – Nina, most popular girl at their school, was worth this ordeal, that he was sure of. As soon as she’d hear the song he would play for her, she would come running in his arms, maybe giving him his first real kiss, in front of the whole school and everyone would applaud them. What could he say; he had watched a lot of these movies with his mum.

It had taken him nearly two months before he had his chosen song memorized and was able to play it on his father’s guitar. He would play Oasis’ song _Wonderwall,_ because he had heard Nina talk about it with her friends and how much she loved that song, _oh my god you have to listen to it Katie, it’s hella dope_. Oh yes, the 90s.

He had decided he would head her off after her cheerleading practice on Friday. Jensen had planned everything to the last detail. He would stand at the bottom steps of the stadium stands, guitar in his hands to play the song and a red rose at his feet to give to her after he had finished his performance. What he didn’t plan is for all the girls to come over instead of only Nina, watching him silently during his performance. Neither did he expect for his hands to shake so badly with nerves, or his voice to crack. Still, he had finished the song, put the guitar away and bent down to pick up the rose. But when he had looked back up at his chosen love she was laughing. At him. Mockingly. And the other girls were teasing him, too. ‘ _Awww look at our Casanova_ ’ and ‘ _come on Nina, give this little boy a kiss for his troubles, he luuuves you sooo much_ ’ and the words had been slicing into him like daggers. Jensen had wanted to cry.

He had been glad that six months later this guy from his math class had a stomach bug and vomited in front of his locker so hard he let out some pretty impressive farts, too. People had stopped snickering at Jensen all the time after that, clearly having found another victim, and if Jensen wouldn’t have been so fucking happy they stopped picking at him, he would have felt sorry for the poor kid.

After this whole ordeal Jensen didn’t even touch a guitar for years, still too traumatized by the events of this day. The first time he had felt to urge to pluck the strings again was when he had been sixteen and at a local bar with his first fake ID, clearly hanging with the wrong guys but still too naïve to realize. They had brought him there on a dare, told him every guy had to show he was not afraid of the freaking law. So they had gotten him an ID that said he was Jason Kinney, born 1973, and took him to a Dallas’ bar on a school night while his parents thought they studied for some upcoming test. He had been tense the whole evening and had wondered if maybe he should reconsider his choice in friends. _What was he doing here anyway?_ _He should just go home._

That was when the live band had started to play. Jensen had been instantly mesmerized. They had played good old country songs, just like the ones his dad and grandfather used to play. Nostalgia had threatened to overtake him and he had felt himself longing for these simpler times. After three more songs he had been sure about two things: he needed to go home, and come morning, find a new set of friends, and he would start to play guitar again.

Luckily for him both of these plans had fitted wonderfully, because he had started to hang out with some guys who regularly played in one of the guy’s basement, so he had just joined them. His grandpa had given him his old acoustic guitar when they had needed to face the fact that the old man’s tremor had been becoming too bad for him to play anymore. The band he had joined played mostly folk and indie songs and he liked their sound a lot, but at first he had downright refused to play any love songs. After a while they had gotten him as far as to play background melody for them, but that was all. He never would sing them or play the lead guitar for them. He just didn’t see the point. Love songs were stupid, cheesy, and barely made any sense to him.

The band hadn’t survived their high school graduation, but later on he had found other friends that were fond of calm folk and country music just as much as him, and over the years he had always made time to play his guitar, be it with said friends, or alone in his living room to wind down from a long day on set. Music was still the one thing that helped him to express himself, to keep him calm and balanced when he was nervous before auditions, or that distracted him from dark thoughts and insecurities. In this regard, music really had been his best friend. At least until the day he met Jared Padalecki.

Well, not really that very day. Their first meeting had been on their joined audition, and even if they had hit it off immediately (which was in itself an uncommon thing for Jensen, who tended to be reserved to the point where people thought of him as cold and stand-offish), he wouldn’t say they became friends that day. But when the studio bosses had called Jensen to tell him that yes, he got the part of Dean Winchester, his first reaction had been to ask “What about Sam? Who’s gonna play my brother?” And the relief he had felt when he had learned that Jared would was another clue that he had already taken a liking to the big goofy guy.

From then on they had fallen into their friendship fast and with ease. After filming the pilot they had already hung out multiple times and had exchanged numbers with the promise to continue to do so, even if they didn’t get picked up. But luckily they had been. Moving to Canada for most of the time was nothing new to Jensen, having been there already for Dark Angel and Smallville, but for Jared it had been hard to leave his friends behind. Gilmore Girls had been shot in LA, so he only had had to share his time between California and Texas, but now there was a whole country between him and his folks. Jensen had told himself that that was why the kid – and with being only 22 he kind of was for Jensen, despite being a freaking giant – depended so much on Jensen, on set and outside of it. He would always seek out the older actor’s presence, and Jensen had found that he really didn’t mind. Jared was fun to be around, and a truly sweet and caring guy, too. He also wasn’t hard on the eyes, but that was a place Jensen didn’t allow himself to go. They were co-stars, the two main stars of this show, so he would better refrain himself from getting involved with Jared.

At first it was easy to do just that. They fell into a comfortable routine over the next months. They would get picked up at the crack of dawn and driven to set where they filmed for twelve hours plus before being driven back to their motel to get some much needed sleep, and the next day it would start all over again. Rinse and repeat. On weekends they would either fly down to LA to visit their friends or – in Jared’s case – girlfriend, or stay in Vancouver to get some actual rest and just hang out a bit at the local bars and restaurants or in one of their hotel rooms.

That had changed a bit when Jared decided – just after being picked up for a second season – he couldn’t stay any longer in an anonymous hotel room without his dogs. And so he had gone and gotten himself a house. From then on the driver had picked up Jensen first before they would drive over to Jared to get him as well. On the weekends – and on more and more weeknights, too – they had started to hang out at Jared’s house instead of bars or Jensen’s hotel room. Jared had gotten himself an awesome entertainment system, so most nights they would kick back with a cool beer and a movie or play guitar hero (in which Jensen kicked Jared’s ass, naturally). By then their friendship had become something solid and dependable, strong, easy and comfortable. And if he still caught himself looking at Jared longer than strictly necessary, well, then no one needed to be the wiser about it. Their friendship was way too important to Jensen to fuck it up, just because his co-star happened to be ridiculous attractive as well as an all-around loveable guy, not forgetting probably proportional. He also was most likely straight, if the cute little girlfriend was any indication. So when it got too late for him to go back to his own hotel some evenings, and Jared offered him to stay the night, it was always in the guest bedroom, the one Jared by now referred to as Jensen’s room.

But then another change was to come. Only four months after proposing to Sandy, Jared’s long-time girlfriend, they unexpectedly called it quits. Jared was heartbroken. He didn’t cry or threw things or even really talked about it, which was enough to tip Jensen off that something was really wrong. Jared had told Jensen calmly that he had broken up with Sandy, and that he could use some help packing all the stuff she still got at his, if Jensen maybe could help? And that was all that was said about the issue that day. Jared went through the motions like nothing major had happened, and frankly, it freaked Jensen the hell out. The Jared he knew wore his heart on his sleeve, always talking your ear off about one thing or the other, never able to sit still for long, his body always in motion. Now the guy was quiet most of the time, staring into space for hours sometimes. The only visible change was the loss of weight, but whenever he brought it up Jared just insisted that he was fine, _a bit tired maybe, the new schedule was gruelling, wasn’t it?_ Until one day, Jensen had enough. He couldn’t see his best friend suffering any longer, he wanted his Jared back. So he decided to ambush him with a surprise visit and a bottle of his favourite wine on a Saturday evening. But when he rang the bell no one had answered him at first, so he had pressed his ear to the door and listened for any sounds coming from within. At first there was nothing but then he picked up the sound of music, which must have been so loud that Jared didn’t hear him.

It was a good thing that Jensen also had a spare key to Jared’s house, so he let himself in. As soon as the door was open he could make out the music better, and a moment later the lyrics registered. Jared was listening to some seriously depressing shit. _Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard_

“Jared, man, is everything alright?” he called while he headed to Jared’s so called entertainment room, where he had located the music was coming from. When he reached the room, he saw that the door was slightly ajar, so he pushed it open and stepped in without announcing himself further. What he saw broke his heart.

His usually happy-go-lucky co-star and best friend sat on his leather couch with a book in his hands, staring at whatever was there to see and looked at least three times smaller than he actually was. Jensen just hoped there were no tears involved, because he was not sure he could handle a crying Jared at this point. He tentatively took another step towards his friend and said in a low and soothing voice “Jay, hey, you’re scaring me a bit. You want to talk about it?”

Jared didn’t answer for what felt like forever. He looked so lost like this and Jensen just couldn’t take it, seeing him like this made something deep inside him ache fiercely and made him want to wrap Jared up in his arms and stroke his hair until the hurting stopped. He was taken aback by this strong urge inside of him, surprised how much he wanted Jared to be happy, to be the cause of Jared’s happiness. Maybe sleeping with him was not all that Jensen wanted to do with the other man after all. Maybe he had underestimated his feelings. Maybe he was _really_ screwed.

Caught up in his own thoughts, Jensen was taken by surprise when Jared started talking for the first time since he had entered the house.

“I always thought, someday I’m going to marry this sweet girl, we would have a house and dogs and a bunch of kids, and it would all be perfect. Easy. And at first it kind of was. Easy, I mean. I knew what I had to do to romance her, what to do to make her happy, but at some point I realized it was more about her happiness for me than my own. Don’t get me wrong, Sandy wanted to make me happy, too, but somehow she just couldn’t. The only times I was really happy was when we were working and shot the shit between takes or when we were just kicking back together, at the bar or here, and we could just be silent, you know? I don’t have to talk with you constantly for you to know what’s going on with me or how I’m feeling. You just take one look at me and you know. It’s easy. Easier than it ever was with Sandy. And I’m scared, man. I’m scared about what that means, for me, for our friendship, our careers. I never thought it would be this hard.”

Jared hadn’t looked at Jensen during his speech, not even a small glance, eyes still directed at the book in his hands. And with being closer than when he entered, Jensen finally recognized what it was. A photo album. And the picture Jared was looking at was one from the set, taken between scenes it seemed, because he and Jared were both wearing Dean’s and Sam’s clothes, and Jensen had Dean’s amulet around his neck. From the looks of it, it was sometime during shooting their first season. The photo was taken without them being aware of it, both totally unguarded in their behaviour. Jared was grinning at Jensen, probably having said something funny and Jensen was smiling back like Jared had hung the moon. He couldn’t remember to have ever looked at someone like this before, and it scared the shit out of him, the evidence of his feelings right in front of him, for everyone to see.

When he was able to free himself from the fateful picture, he became aware of Jared’s eyes on him, waiting for an answer Jensen couldn’t give. He had no idea what to say, his thoughts running amok in his head and his feelings tumultuous inside his chest.

“Jay – I, I don’t – I have to go, there are some things I have to do, so I just – I see you on Monday, I guess.”

And with that he practically fled the house and Jared’s hurt expression.

Back at his hotel room sleep eluded him, his thoughts spinning. _What did Jared’s words mean for him, for them? Was he in love with Jensen? And what was he feeling, did he love Jared?_ So many questions running wild and none had an easy answer, it seemed. He knew he couldn’t know how Jared felt if the man didn’t tell him, so he tried to unravel his own feelings, which wasn’t that much easier. That he was attracted to his co-star was nothing new to him, the attraction being there since they shook hands for the first time. But Jensen found other people attractive, too, so this was nothing life changing to him. The question was, what was he feeling towards Jared besides that? Sure, he enjoyed his company a lot, felt comfortable with him unlike with anybody else he knew to be honest. He never felt like he needed to put up a front with Jared, or like he had to hide anything from him. And he knew that Jared felt the same in this regard, never bothering to keep anything back, always giving all of himself to Jensen. But was that enough to risk their friendship for?

He felt like he was going crazy, so he decided to distract himself a bit with some music, and turned on the radio on his bedside table.

 _They say you don't really wanna fall in love,_  
_You don't really wanna mess this up._  
_You don't really wanna fall in love,_  
_Cuz falling in love just breaks your heart._

That was by far not the first love song he had heard, but he had never listened to the lyrics before. Now he couldn’t help but notice them, nearly shaking with how fitting they felt. He had avoided love songs for so long, unable to take them serious, with all these fabricated feelings people were singing about. But now, he kind of got it. He was afraid to lose it all, to have his heart broken beyond repair without Jared there to put him back together. But was hiding really the better option, especially after Jared had already taken the first step and told him honestly why he had broken it off with Sandy? He couldn’t be a hundred percent sure that Jared had tried to tell him that he was in love with him, but the way he said it and the way he had looked at that picture, it surely was a possibility.

And Jensen had just taken off without saying anything in reply.

He was a horrible human being. Worse, he was a horrible friend. What if Jared had tried to tell him that he loved Jensen? He must thought that Jensen was disgusted or shocked, unwilling to even speak about this. Jensen had fucked up big time on this, it seemed. And just when he finally was man enough to admit his feelings to himself. _Son of a bitch._

The rest of the night was spent with planning a way to make it up to Jared, and show him that he was not alone with his feeling ( _If he really is in love with you_ , his insecure voice whispered to him).

That was why he found himself in front of the same door as yesterday, this time with his guitar and a serious case of nerves. But Jared was worth it.

He used his spare key again to let himself in and was instantly attacked by two slobbering dogs who demanded his affection. Bending down to give them what they wanted, he listened to any sounds coming from the big house, but everything was quiet. His best guess was Jared’s bedroom, so that was where he went. Jensen carefully opened the door, cautious to not alert his co-star to his presence, which was completely unnecessary, because Jared was deeply asleep, an empty bottle of wine next to him. It was the one Jensen had with him last night. He must have forgotten it in his haste to flee the house, he thought shamefully. But that didn’t matter now.

He closed the door softly and took another step into the room. It was now or never. He took a deep breath and steeled himself, before he started to play the first accords of the song he had prepared. He just hoped Jared would understand. And wake up to hear it.

Instead of worrying more, he continued to play his song, his voice carrying the lyrics to his best friend’s ears, just waiting to be heard by the man of his heart.

 _The book of love is long and boring_  
_No one can lift the damn thing_  
_It's full of charts and facts, some figures and instructions for dancing_  
  
_But I,_  
_I love it when you read to me._  
_And you,_  
_You can read me anything._  
  
_The book of love has music in it,_  
_In fact that's where music comes from._  
_Some of it is just transcendental,_  
_Some of it is just really dumb._  
  
_But I,_  
_I love it when you sing to me._  
_And you,_  
_You can sing me anything._  
  
_The book of love is long and boring,_  
_And written very long ago._  
_It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes,_  
_And things we're all too young to know._  
  
_But I,_  
_I love it when you give me things._  
_And you,_  
_You ought to give me wedding rings._  
  
_And I,_  
_I love it when you give me things._  
_And you,_  
_You ought to give me wedding rings._  
_You ought to give me wedding rings._

He softly finished the final notes before the room was filled by silence once again. For the longest time Jensen didn’t dare to look up, afraid Jared was awake, afraid Jared was still asleep.

“Jensen, look at me. Please.”

That broke the spell, and Jensen did what Jared asked of him, just like he always would. When he met the younger man’s eyes he was surprised to find them shining with tears. But instead of looking sad, Jared looked like he was never happier in his life, a soft smile gracing his features, dimples denting his cheeks. Jensen smiled back at him and allowed himself to hope.

“I thought you don’t play love songs?” Jared asked playfully, still smiling. That was enough for Jensen to return the braveness his friend had shown to him yesterday.

“Well, that’s because I never understood the point before. But since I have you in my life they finally make sense.” With that Jensen took the last steps towards Jared and their future. And when their lips finally met for the first time, Jensen’s heart was singing, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Here are some the links for the stuff you find in this fic:  
> picture: http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/images/thumb/9/96/SN_BTS_S1E07-S01_002.jpg/400px-SN_BTS_S1E07-S01_002.jpg  
> The song Jensen played for Nina (Oasis – Wonderwall): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DvRCykzHy4  
> The song Jared listened to when Jensen visited him (Coldplay – The Scientist): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWLpTKBFcU  
> The song that was playing on Jensen's radio (Matt White - Falling in Love (With My Best Friend)): https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=31&v=HaZpZQG2z10  
> The song Jensen was playing for Jared (Magnetic Fields - The Book Of Love): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkjXr9SrzQE


End file.
